The deceptive glare of festive lights

With a few thousand forints = eight euros in my wallet, on the first day of the festive month, I watched the festive lights and decorations with a frosty smile on my face in the main square, which was very nicely decorated by the city administration. My poverty was caused by my own stupidity, and you don't have to feel sorry or worry about me. I am completely transforming my life. The way it was is over. Or I really will die of poverty. Although I take seriously and practice the other values of life, it is essential for effective work that the creative person has the necessary material capital. With no inheritance, no annuity income, I can really only live on what society gives me in return for my knowledge. I have specialised knowledge, and specialisation is risky. I'm seriously thinking of going to Brussels and working as a cleaner in one of the EU's head offices. I want to be where the real important things happen. Being a middle-aged woman vegetating in south-eastern Hungary is not a very attractive prospect. I'm tired, worn out, almost stinking of poverty. I'm a hair's breadth from the bum level. I didn't buy the camera either, a very dear friend gave it to me as a Christmas present two years ago.

I feel like a stinky guberator, crawling around under the bushes in semi-crazy mode and about to die there in the company of his beloved mushrooms. I was going to write about Christmas, but despair overrides my beautiful thoughts. I'm angry that I can't earn enough money to successfully complete my mission. I hold on to the things I value. And money is not my god. I am angry that I am worn out, that there are no people around me with whom I can have constructive conversations, that generosity is a rare quality, that society does not know fair play and does not give a shit about life and nature. They wander the decorated town square like night moths to around a flame, and no, no, they simply ignore the deepening crisis. What do they teach their children? Sweet lies are whispered in credulous ears when reality kicks us in the face on 1 January.

How I have hated the senseless wandering in local habitats in recent years! I should have left in the autumn of 2018. I threw away four years of my life. I am really angry with myself for that. So now I have a long lost determination and passion. What I wanted to give to my country in value, in strength, in the desire to give well, I now keep for myself and use for my own benefit. There is no saviour. The hero does not come to do good for you, nor do I come to do good out of overflowing philanthropy. I am motivated by a different realization. Earth's wildlife is an unparalleled wonder, and its preservation is important. It is important to preserve nature, if only because it is the life support system of our species. Destroying it is tantamount to suicide. And I like mushrooms. When I saw the fruiting body of Lepista sordida in the garden, I was delighted.

Two lie in the picture, because the bear is actually an apex predator and the heart symbol is the woman' bottom in reverse. And we decide not with our hearts, but with our right brain. And our poor left brain tries to rationalise our decisions, lagging behind the faster right brain. Lies trap you in a labyrinth and destroy you. Then reality comes down hard on those lost in illusions. Buried in my thoughts, I watched the lying charade. Such is the dance of death that separates worlds. In the sad revelry, one fades away, and in the process, the next is formed. There is no end to history. And I want to be where things are happening. Why would I bury myself alive in the south-eastern corner of Hungary? It is madness to waste the talent I was born with! I see the beauty! I have a natural sense of proportion, an inner moral compass and I love when people are happy. Some of the best memories of my life have been when I have managed to make them happy and they have been overjoyed.

My mission is to preserve a part of life, to save a species or two, to ensure the survival of a habitat, and to set an example, to pass on knowledge before I die. The meaning of life is to leave behind useful knowledge that will continue to empower younger generations. Our current lifestyles, our conveniences, our consumerist stupor, are all our undoing. Here, my voice is completely lost in Hungary. There is simply no meaning to my efforts, even though I have been conscientious and persistent in my mission. There is nothing good about this. I'm wasting away. I have created Eures and Europass accounts. I wrote my CV. I wrote the truth about myself. Huh, I am a special case. However, my hands and feet are intact, my brain is in the right place, and I have life experience, knowledge, and surprisingly, I'm even honest. And despite all the difficulties, my goal is still to do good, and to preserve life. At Christmas, when we are actually welcoming the winter solstice, the return of the light, please ask yourself if you are really doing all you can to sustain life on earth?